Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
