mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Soap is not a condiment
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
