i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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