I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
