First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Are my feet made of real feet?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Is her dick bigger than yours?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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