He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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