Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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