Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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