Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
