Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can you bring me the toilet please
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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