I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
