When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
