I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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