i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
