True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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