im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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