She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
