Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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