Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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