I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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