Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
