And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
