Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
