just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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