Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
