Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
