i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
