I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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