why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
