is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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