I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
