idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
