i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
