Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
