WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
