I think I died a long time ago.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
