My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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