I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
