my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
