woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
