So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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