I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
