I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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