then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
