What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
