Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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