mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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