you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
