There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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