Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
