um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
