His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
